Report: Mystery of Jay Cutler’s Lackadaisical Demeanor Solved

It is hard to forget the expression on Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler’s face after bowing out of the 2011 NFC Championship game due to a knee injury. It wasn’t “dang, my knee hurts” or “I really hope these guys can pull out the win” or even “stupid Packers, I hate how they’re always beating us”. No, it was more along the lines of “I wonder if they’ll serve red wine sauce at the steakhouse tonight.” Despite that game being the highest level of competition he had yet to attain as a football player, Cutler looked as though he was on the sidelines of the Westminster Dog Show during intermission. But it wasn’t just the NFC Championship game. Cutler manages to sport this carefree, uninterested demeanor on a nearly constant basis, which led the folks over at Kissing Suzy Kolber to investigate the possibility that Jay Cutler is, in fact, a cat.

The evidence does seem to overwhelmingly point to Cutler’s being a feline, the animal most notorious for its “I don’t give a crap” attitude. Indeed, it would seem impossible for any human to care as little about anything as Cutler. Also, cats can see well at night due to possessing a tapetum lucidum, which is a reflective layer behind the retina that sends light that passes through the retina back into the eye. In the 2011 season, Cutler averaged a 98.3 passer rating while playing on Monday night, as compared to a 82.0 rating when playing on Sundays.

That’s enough proof for me — I am utterly convinced that Jay Cutler is a cat. Personally, I always thought it strange that Cutler has been sacked so many times (161 times since joining the Bears, with a high of 52 in 2010 — the number would surely be higher if he didn’t sit out 6 games last season due to a “thumb injury” [I use quotes because cats don’t have thumbs.]) Cats are really hard to grab, as they are really fast and can manipulate their body to squeeze through tight spaces. It is clear to me now that the high sack count is simply a ruse, a sort of diversion to keep us from suspecting the truth, as if #6 could actually wiggle out of D-linemen’s hands and prove to be elusive in the pocket, we’d all be on to him.

If you need more proof, hit up the link below, though I cannot vouch for the veracity of some of the claims (e.g., Keyboard Cat appears to be from Spokane, WA and not from Cutler’s hometown of Santa Claus, IN.) The truth is out there.

[Kissing Suzy Kolber]

[Image Source: John Martinez Pavliga]

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